I was simply too tired to post last night and sad. Yesterday Joe was in bed when I arrived. He seemed to be asleep. I had brought him a banana and some sliced ham. The banana because he was eating 3 a day and the ham because his first desire in a meal is the meat. When he came around he wanted the banana but only ate about 2 inches of it. He didn't even touch the ham.
He was fairly lucid, lethargic but lucid. While I was there a therapist came in to walk him, and he made his way down the hall, back and partway the other way before wanting to go back to his room. He was bright and interested in his surroundings. He got the therapist tickled nattering on about the fans on the roof and asking her who was doing that. He paused to let people in wheelchairs go around him.
We got him shaved up a little. I took his electric razor in. He wouldn't let the aides shave him. His beard had gotten pretty long, so it was rough going. We made a basic pass; then he complained of it hurting his face, so I quit. It was sad that he didn't know what the razor was when I handed it to him. He had no clue how to turn it on. This is his razor that he has used daily.
His medical condition is stable, so the hospital wants to release him NOW. They were unsuccessful at finding a place yesterday but expect to do so today. I couldn't get them to give me a release time, so I doubt I'll be there since I'll have to arrange a sitter for mother. I plan to take him some clothes when I go. He's shivering with cold in the hospital gown, and he needs to be dressed in the home in my opinion.
His being more lucid yesterday made it emotionally very hard. He asked me not to go when it came time to end the visit. That took me by surprise and bushwhacked my emotions. Although he wasn't talking to me, I suppose my presence was comforting to him. It also increased my feelings of being a traitor by placing him in a home. He's not lucid enough to understand I can't care for him; yet he's lucid enough to be very hurt by it. When he was whacko and combative, it was easy to be so worn out dealing with him to only feel relief of the burden of care. When he's not fighting everything and passive, it is hard not to feel you're abandoning him to a strange place full of strangers. Ripping away his whole life as he knows it tears you up.