Lola is existing as is normal for her now. She's on a binge of staying in bed until I wake her and force her to get up. When she does finally get up she alternates between madly flipping through magazines and watching TCM. It's amazing.
She can't see diddly, and she flips through the magazines at nearly the speed of light. She's clearly not processing a thing in them; it's something to occupy her hands and mind. Quite a few of the major actors who are her contemporaries have recently died - Andy Griffith, for one. One would think maybe these people would pierce her armor of haze, but they haven't. It's crazy, but you can't help but finding yourself hoping that even if the woman can't remember her own husband is dead that maybe the death of a contemporary movie star might penetrate. Yeah. Crazy. I know.
Because she sometimes gets up and goes into the living room while I'm in another part of the house, unbeknownst to me, I've taken to putting an incontinence pad in her chair. She gets up and doesn't realize she's in urine soaked clothes. Then she sits in the chair, and the urine gets squished out every where. Now she's taken to shredding the incontinence pads. So that's something to pick up/vacuum up.
The other day I gave her a large chef's salad and instead of crackers to go with it, I tried putting some croutons on it. Big mistake. She threw croutons north, south, east and west on the floor. No leaving them on the plate. No putting them in the trash. Let's just toss them wherever.
It is because of all of these things and my inability to handle them well, that I find myself having a terrible problem with treating my mom with grace and dignity. All of us should have grace and dignity. Every human should.
I find myself being extremely sharp with her. My mouth opens and words pour out, "Thank you for throwing all these soggy croutons on the floor for me to pick up," while my mind is screaming "What the hell are you saying this for? Like she knows what she's doing? You're a bitch for saying these things."
Grace and dignity have fled the building, and I'm madly chasing after them. Please may I catch them.